One line jokes collection

I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. (Les Dawson)

You can tell Monopoly is an old game - the banker can still go to jail.

US tourist to Irish child: “Does it ever stop raining here?” Child replies: “I don’t know, I’m only eight.”

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.

Who gives little kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

My pet snail was too slow to win races, so I took his shell off. It just made him even more sluggish.

What did one ball say to the other ball? Nothing - he just looked round.

All students of Finnish get Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Ultimate chat-up line: "Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West.

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.

If you lend someone a tenner and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.

To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!

A spa hotel is like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.

I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.

The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?

Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex. After they've drunk enough of it.

Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls

Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

Descartes finishes his drink and the barman says: "Want another?" Descartes says: "I think not" and vanishes.

How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.

What lies shivering on the seabed? A nervous wreck.

How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor? Silverware.

What bird can lift the most? A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear? Address.

What country makes you shiver? Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!

Which two sports have face-offs? Ice hockey and leper boxing

What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.

What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.

Four thirds of people have trouble with fractions.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? Dead.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car? A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud? A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

Why did the doughnut shop close? The owner got tired of the hole business!

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

"I do like to see the arms and legs fly" Col. George S Patton

The chickens have come to roast

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" - Mark Twain

If your parents didn't have any kids, there's a good chance you won't.

"To have no wants is divine" Socrates

An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank

Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.

College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep

The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation

A self-made man? Yes - and worships his creator.

Why is it that everyone has to be different these days?

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.

"They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance"

Forecast for tonight: Dark

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much

Some things have to be believed to be seen

God must love the common people, he made so many of them.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

"Life's a bitch, and then you murder one" ex basket-ball player

Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census

Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.

Dead people are cool

Television: the bland leading the bland

Old musicians never die. They just decompose

4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

"My name is Dr. Hildegarde Landstrom, and I am quite, quite mad."

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The anger of the meek and humble is named wrath

We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If you don't like the way women drive....get off the sidewalks

"It is unbelievable what unbelievable things an unbeliever will believe in order to be an unbeliever."

Anybody can be Pope; the proof is that I have become one. John XXIII

BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

All right. Who set the phasers to deep fat fry?

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.

Politics - Poli = Many , Tics = Blood sucking parasites

A man went into politics to do good and ended up doing rather well

"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?" -- Groucho

Hey! Look at our Al. He's the only boy walking in step!

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

Very few people can afford to be poor.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.

In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.

98% of all constipated people don't give a crap

Attention animal lovers, what you are doing is illegal....

Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.

100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.

The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.

To every rule there is an exception. Except this rule. Er...

... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves

"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"

Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i

Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.

When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!

The Truth Is The Only Law